There's A Joke In Here About Ho's And Hoes, But I'm Not The Man To Make It

Northridge, CA

When it starts with the phrase, "A 50-year-old man who was living in his mother's home..." you know it's going to end badly.

John Freeman of Northridge is accused of killing a transvestite prostitute with a garden hoe at his mother's house on Kingsbury Street. Mom was out of town, so Johnny boy decided to get a little sump'n sump'n while he had the house to himself. The cops are thinking that he knew of his victim's, um, enhanced qualities, shall we say, so this wasn't exactly a Crying Game moment.

And, of course, there's this little bit of shocking news.

"He was your average, friendly person," one neighbor said. "It's very upsetting. He comes from an upstanding family."

Riiiight. So who else you got in the backyard, Ted Bundy? This just adds to my theory that the only normal people you know are the ones you don't know that well.

The Wheel Man

Hit a booksigning at Mysteries To Die For in Thousand Oaks for Duane Swierczynski's book, The Wheel Man. Okay, so it's not set in L.A., but this is just too goddamn good a book not to talk about.

The Wheel Man is Patrick Lennon, a mute Irish getaway driver, who plans the exit for a Philadelphia bank robbery, executes it flawlessly, only to have the car rammed by a van driven by the Russian mob. He comes to as he's being stuffed down a pipe at a construction site and it just goes to shit from there. Everything that can possibly go wrong does and then some. Every time you think it's been turned up to 11, Swierczynski cranks it another notch.

It starts off fast and just keeps going. Booklist describes it as "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride in an R-rated amusement park". This is the funniest, most horrifically violent book I've read in years. Jesus Christ, this book is harsh. Well written, fast paced. Damn near impossible to put down.

Criminal Tip 2763: Don't Bring A Car To A Helicopter Chase

Los Angeles, CA

I loves me a car chase. Apparently so do many other Angelenos. What the hell is it with you people? This is Basic Getaways 101.

Just about every night we have some liquored up moron on a 502 thinking he can outrun an Aerostar chopper on the 101 freeway. How the hell do you people think we get all this glorious footage?

You want to get away? For starters, lay off the Boone's Farm for a bit. Fucking amateurs.

Only 19 More Bodies Till 2006

Los Angeles, CA

The data's a couple of days short, but it's looking like there were only three homicides in all of L.A. County over the weekend. Come on, people, pick up the pace. How do you expect to top last year's 392 when it's already November and you're only at 373? That's 19 people in a month and a half! Slackers. Well, I expect they'll be working overtime this Christmas season.

There Are Three Southland Cities Among the Safest In The U.S. - But We Don't Talk About That Sort Of Thing Here

Instead, let me direct your attention to some of this last weekend's fun.

Panorama City, CA

Police are still searching for Juan Carlos Garcia Paredes, a security guard who used his gun for very un-security guard related duties. Shooting a man to death in front of police before jumping into his Bronco and fleeing the scene, for instance. Why is it always a Bronco, anyway?

San Pedro, CA

A couple of gang bangers get an extended stay in County from multiple GSWs. With any luck they'll see the error of their ways and make some changes in their lives. Like investing in some decent Kevlar. What, you actually think they'll stop banging?

Pomona, CA

Two Cal Poly students find a decomposed corpse hanging out in a hay trailer. The cops say it's just a homeless guy. Come on. It's gotta be more interesting than that. Somebody pissed off the Russian Mob, or double crossed Fat Louie for a hundred K and a suitcase full of blow. Homeless guy. Please. Even the homeless don't want to hang out in Pomona.

Los Angeles, CA

And today's Mugshot Of The Day belongs to Jackie Felix (AKA Aracely Ochoa), recently a guest of the fun loving L.A. County Sheriff's Department, who is believed to have broken into her Ex's home and snagged her three children, who she doesn't have custody of. Congratulations Jackie, LAPD is happy to award you with an all expense paid trip to the Valley State Prison for Women, including a complimentary shiv in the exercise yard and all the laundry room beatings you can eat. Just as soon as they can find you.

I'm Betting They Don't Teach This At The Academy

Anaheim, CA
(Yeah, yeah, I know. It's O.C. not L.A. Live with it.)

Anaheim police officer, Bradley Wagner, is being held on one million dollars bail today after being arrested on charges of kidnapping, lewd acts and sexual battery. A thirty year veteran of the force, he's been accused of assaulting an illegal immigrant woman while on duty.

A million bucks bail. Jesus, Sparky, what did you do? Fifty-eight years old, no record of this sort of behavior, on the force for 30 years. I don't know, but the phrase "flight risk" doesn't exactly spring to mind here.

Better hope they find you innocent, pal. Cops in prison don't do so well.

Los Angeles - Where Murder Gets You A Really Stiff Fine

Burbank, CA

After a trial that seemed to stretch longer than his television career, Robert Blake was finally found guilty of something. In a vote of 10-2 the jury in the wrongful death suit ruled that Blake "intentionally caused the death" of his wife. He will now be shelling out 30 million to her kids.

Because, ya know, if you can't have your mentally unstable, emotionally manipulative mom, a couple greasy handfuls of thousands is just as good.