Thursday, October 05, 2006

The FBI Is Out Of Ideas

Dana Point, CA

When someone robs a bank it's up to the FBI to come up with a moniker to identify him by. The latest is a man who has been hitting banks in Orange County.

They call him the Enormous Ears Bandit. Apparently, he has, you guessed it, enormous ears.

I'm not sure who I'm more upset with, the FBI for coming up with stupid names, or bank robbers for not having better gimmicks. Like The Cuecard Bandit, who showed cardboard signs to the tellers demanding cash. At least he was trying.

So here's a challenge for all you would be bank robbers. Hit a bank with one of the following and I'll give you a t-shirt that says, "I Knocked Over A Wells Fargo And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt And Ten Thousand Dollars In Small, Unmarked Bills".

Specify your shirt size, as well as a name and address and I'll have it personally hand delivered by a helpful FBI tac squad.

The Gimp Bandit - You know, one of those latex, zippered bondage outfits. Extra points if you do it in stiletto heels and carry a whip. And send photos.

The Giant Pecker Bandit - Dress up like Woody Woodpecker and get caught on tape laughing like a maniac. What did you think I was talking about? You people are sick. This is a family show. Of course, if you can get Ron Jeremy to rob the bank that counts, too.

The Enormous Breast Bandit - I think this one's pretty self explanatory, don't you? Don't forget the photos.

The Donkey Show Bandit - If you can figure out how to pull this one off, I can get you booked in a strip club in Tijuana.

The Juggling Bandit - Rob a bank while juggling three bowling balls, two torches, and a complete dinner set of bone china to the tune of The Saber Dance. Extra points if you wear a jester's outfit with bells or just do it naked.

So go to it ladies and gentlemen. And make sure you pose for the cameras.

4 comments:

Brett Battles said...

You a deranged man, Blackmoore...seriously deranged.

David Terrenoire said...

I had that Giant Pecker thing covered.

Then I read the description.

Damn.

Really, I'll send you the video.

inkgrrl said...

David, I'm waiting patiently (or not so) for the video. I could use a little inspiration for a flash fiction piece...

Toni McGee Causey said...

The sad thing is, I think there are some bank robbers out there who'd take you up on the challenge, if they were bright enough to read.