Thursday, November 23, 2006

Mugshots #6 - The Smurf by Patrick Shawn Bagley

The smurf came outta the AMPM right when I parked my truck. She musta worked in a hospital or nursing home or someplace like that 'cause she wore white pants and one of them blue tops like they wear in that show Scrubs. You ever seen that? It's fucked up. Some chicks look hot in those hospital outfits. Not the smurf, man. She was short and dumpy and had blonde hair and she looked like a fuckin' smurf. That's what I said to her when I got out of the truck, I said, "Hey you look like a fuckin' smurf."

She had a cup of coffee and a bag of donuts or muffins or somethin', and she kept on walkin' like I wasn't even there. So I followed her to her car and I said, "Hey, smurf bitch. You too smurfy to talk me?"

You gotta remember that cartoon, man; these little blue motherfuckers and they said smurf for everything. Smurf this and smurf that. They lived in a little smurf town and it was nothin' but guys except for this one smurf chick and everybody wanted to fuck her 'cause she was the only smurf pussy in the world. I was just a little kid when it was on, man, and even I wanted to fuck her.

The smurf put her food on the roof of her car and got her keys out of this giant fuckin' purse slung over her shoulder like a mailman's sack.

I said, "Where you smurfin' off to?"

"Leave me alone," she said and unlocked the door.

I leaned on it so she couldn't open it. I was kinda like that wizard Garglemall, you know that guy always tryin' to catch the smurfs and eat 'em? "Don't you mean 'Smurf me alone'?"

So then I saw she was all scared, which was fuckin' great, and I leaned down and said, "I'm gonna eat you." She reached up real quick, grabbed her coffee and dumped it down my fuckin' neck. I jumped back yellin' 'cause that shit was hot and while I did that, the smurf got in her car and drove off.

You know I ain't gonna let some fuckin' smurf scald me half to death, so I jumped in my truck and went peelin' outta there, chased her right up 4th street and onto the Santa Monica Freeway. I rear-ended her smurf-mobile pretty good, fuckin' slammed right into it and made the trunk fly open. Awesome, man! I backed off and swerved into the next lane 'cause I wanted to sideswipe her like in the movies, but I wasn't lookin' in the mirror and a fuckin' Pep Boys van hit the ass-end of my truck and spun me around. Fuckin' cops say I hit some other cars but by then I was knocked out anyway so I don't give a shit.

I don't know what happened to the smurf. She's the one oughta be locked up in here, man. Fuckin' smurf whore caused the whole thing.

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Patrick Shawn Bagley's writing has been published in various small press journals and on Flashing in the Gutters. His short story "The Red Garter" will appear in the July/August 2007 issue of CrimeSpree Magazine. Patrick is halfway through the first draft of a down-and-dirty Maine crime novel. If you have nothing better to do, feel free to visit his blog (http://hillbilliesandhitmen.blogspot.com).

6 comments:

anne frasier said...

woo-hoo!!!

this is my favorite so far.

loved it!!

a great thanksgiving read. :D

Devine said...

And why picking someone old lady?

Anonymous said...

Anne, glad you liked it. Just look at that guy's face...the story practically wrote itself.

inkgrrl said...

Oh yeah, that face definitely cried out for a "here's Johnny!" sort of story - love it! As much as I hate Smurfs!

Anonymous said...

"The Smurf"? Isn't that copyright infringement? Not very creative Patrick Bagley.

Stephen Blackmoore said...

You show up three years after a story goes up to make a comment the author's probably never going to see and you do it anonymously.

If you're going to give somebody shit about something, at least have the balls to put your name to it.