Monday, April 30, 2007

A PSA From L.A. Noir

Playa Del Rey, CA

We have a lot of shootings here in L.A. What surprises me, though, is that this doesn't happen more often.
The man, who had the gun in his waistband, shot himself in the leg about 7:40 p.m. at Culver Boulevard and Pacific Avenue near Del Rey Lagoon Park, said Los Angeles police Sgt. Tim Walters of the Pacific Station.
I knew a guy once who legally was not supposed to have guns (he was insane, like clinically insane), who had a pair of Ruger Blackhawks. Nice guns. Anyway, he and a buddy are out in the middle of nowhere doing fast draw moves and they switch guns cause he wants to try his friend's Colt Pythons.

So he's practicing his Clint Eastwood crap and sort of misjudges. Clears leather on the right, snags on the left. A .357 hollow-point goes in right behind his knee, miraculously, doesn't mushroom, hits his tibia and digs a furrow in the bone all the way down to his ankle.

There is much screaming.

So his buddy tosses him in the back of the truck, blood welling over the top of his all too tight (remember that fact) cowboy boot and tears out to the nearest payphone, which happens to be at a landing strip half an hour away.

They get there, his buddy makes the phone call and they tell him they'll be right there... in half an hour.

Something you have to understand about these two. They're men. Men's men. Suck it up and walk it off, soldier. You know the type. Macho isn't something they do, it's embedded in their very bones, dug deep in their DNA. They ARE their balls. These aren't just men, they're MEN.

So, the guy with the GSW looks his buddy in the eye. Serious. Woozy eyed, sure, but serious. This is serious shit, after all. He could die. He could lose a limb, probably already has. Yeah, okay, not exactly a John Wayne / Green Beret moment since it was his own goddamn fault, but still.

So, he looks his buddy in the eye, grabs him by the shoulders and says, "Dude. I gotta know. Help me get my boot off."

And his buddy, the rational one, the one who isn't suffering from shock and blood loss, and did I mention he was a CHP officer? He looks him right back in the eye, just as serious.

And says, "Okay."

Now, remember that these boots are too tight. Not only are they too tight, but his entire lower leg has swollen up like an overstuffed sausage. Situations like this, you cut the boot off.

He doesn't want to cut the boot off. He paid two hundred dollars for the damn things, he's not cutting the boot off.

Plan B. He's standing on one side of the truck, arms linked over the edge fingers stuffed into the hitch holes, foot raised in the air like a can-can girl as his buddy proceeds to yank on the boot. They tried it first with him on the ground, but the boot was so tight, it just dragged him around screaming like a twenty dollar whore paid extra to make it sound good.

Fifteen minutes of yanking, whimpering and screaming and they finally get the boot off. He takes one look at his mangled, but still intact, foot and passes out just as the ambulance is pulling in.

Somehow he managed to miss the artery and the bullet lodged right next to it. He was in the hospital three weeks before he was healed enough to pull the slug out. Last I heard, he was walking.

So, remember kids, don't do stupid shit with guns. You'll just get mocked for it, later, especially if you blow your own head off.

4 comments:

Kari said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mike Sperry said...

My dad did something similar once. Granted, it was only a .22 from a rifle, but this guy was the shooting safety instructor for his gun club.
Out shooting in the desert with a couple of his sons (I wasn't present) and after firing the rifle, lets the muzzle drop, pointing at the ground. Finger slips on the trigger, gun fires, he shoots himself in the big toe.
On their way to the hospital, they stopped for waffles.

Stephen Blackmoore said...

Considering your dad and your brothers the waffles thing doesn't surprise me in the slightest.

Hulles said...

What a great story. At least for me to read, not for the principles certainly. Thanks.