Monday, September 17, 2007

I Had No Idea My Schlong Was Broken

Because it's a slow news day I bring you the latest from my spam filter.
Repair your schlong at once and forever.

Be a supermacho!

Charge your one-eyed monster for 110% and have a lifetime fiesta with Your girl

This is the one and only remedy which works flawlessly!

Ask me why? Just because it's the Original thing.

My schlong is in need of repair? When were you people going to tell me this? I have to find out from some random Chinese guy selling some sort of herbal Viagra / jalapeƱo barbeque dry rub?

And what exactly is a "supermacho"? I mean, as a noun. I understand it (I think) as an adjective, but if it's a thing, what does it look like? Some shadowy presence of bulked up anger and seething manhood just waiting to be released? It has a mustache, doesn't it? And a sombrero and bandoleers. I picture this hyper-realized Pancho Villa macking on a cigar and cackling in a gutter voice full of broken glass.

I don't know about you, but that seems like an awful lot of pressure to put on a penis.

And if I charge my "one-eyed monster for 110%" won't it, you know, explode? Like those phasers on Star Trek? Somebody would push a button and it would turn into a freaking nuclear grenade, which always made me wonder, why the fuck would you want one of those things on a spaceship? Isn't that dangerous? Random security guard tries to set his gun to frappe and accidentally takes out three decks. "Sorry, didn't know it was loaded." I don't want my one-eyed monster doing that. I mean, who would?

You know, this is L.A. I can think of three people right off the bat.

But wait. "This is the one and only remedy which works flawlessly!" I think that might be the only sentence bordering on grammatically correct. I could do without the exclamation point. One really should be sparing of those. Besides, the excitement is kind of inferred, don't you think?

"But why? Why does this work flawlessly?" I hear you ask, crying to the heavens for understanding. Fear not for I have the answer.

Because it's THE ORIGINAL THING.

My god. The Original Thing. This is the Thing from which all Things have come from. The Alpha and Omega of Things. The secrets of the universe in this one Thing. This is the Thing that was at the beginning of the universe. The stars and planets, the very vacuum of space, coming forth from this one Thing. This Thing could very well be God.

And some guy wants to use it to fix my unbroken schlong and pump it to 110% until it explodes?

No. Just... just no.

Sure. Points for imagination, but isn't that (and I'm sure I'll regret saying this later) thinking a little small? You could create new species, bend space and time to your will, call new stars and planets, whole universes, into being. You could answer life's unanswerable questions, give meaning to billions across the globe, or throughout the whole of existence.

You know what? Keep that thing away from me. And everybody else for that matter. Seriously. You could hurt somebody.

2 comments:

pattinase (abbott) said...

I get them too and mine has been broken since birth. Matter of fact, i think I gave it to my brother.

inkgrrl said...

Your schlong is just fine honey. The Meta Thing will have to find another unwilling victim... I mean, beneficiary.