Thursday, August 14, 2008

One More Reason To Not Poke The Crazy Bear

Universal City, CA

Because sometimes the crazy bear has scissors.

A man and a woman were arguing at the Universal City Metro Red Line station when the woman pulled out a pair of scissors. The man tried to take them away and that's when things got out of hand. A bunch of folks tried to intervene and got cut for their troubles.

See, this is totally the wrong response. When two people start going mano-a-mano on each other you don't try to help them. No, you film it with your iPhone while one of your buddies screams, "Two men enter! One man leaves!" preferably through a megaphone if he has one handy, and then you upload it to Youtube and get millions of hits and you follow it up with a series of train-rage related fights called METRO-STOMPERS! in flashing 72-point flashing (Yes, I know I said flashing twice, because flashing text on a website is the MONEY SHOT, baby!!!11!!) letters and you censor out people's faces the way they block out the boobs on those Girls Gone Wild commercials but it isn't long before someone realizes that you're doing that because it's the same two people in every shot only wearing different clothes and maybe a wig and a fat suit every once in a while and where the hell did you get a fat suit, anyway? They make those? Seriously? and all your rabid, train-fight re-enacting fans call for your blood and show up at your Bel Air mansion with torches and pitchforks and drive away those hot, rich, north of Sunset type cheerleader babes with fake tits sunning themselves in your Sharper Image Tan-O-Matic Sauna And Day Spa while they do mountains of Bolivian blow off each other's flat bellies and all you can do is scream as you watch your bizaare fetish fantasies of cocaine cheer squads go up in flames but you don't worry about it too long because you're too busy dealing with the bone jarring crunch of being beaten with 2x4's for daring, yes daring! to fleece the internet public with your two-bit, derivative, fraudulent fight scenes that are nowhere near as good as that new guy's who put up those videos of crazy people beating the crap out of each other with live trout outside of a public bathroom and I hear he's doing a new series called PORT-A-POTTY STOMPERS! in super-extra-flashy 84-point type.

And then you die.

So, yeah, probably better to just walk away.

1 comment:

Gerard said...

Yeah. I like sex too.