Thursday, July 30, 2009

I Should So Go Into Politics

Baldwin Park, CA

There's this politician in Baldwin Park. Sergio Corona. Member of the BP school board. He's been arrested on suspicion of assault and battery. Seems he might have been exchanging words and then some with a woman at a gas station earlier this month.

That's not the funny part.

See, this is the second time he's been arrested. In May of last year he was picked up after allegedly breaking some windows of a home on Sandstone Street and driving away after he did it. Drunk.

That's not the funny part, either.

When he was pulled over last year he allegedly got out of the car, "shirtless and sweaty," according to the report, and approached the officer.

Who shot him with a taser.

That's the funny part.

But the real punchline? He's still a member of the Baldwin park school board. After the 2008 incident, and now the looming assault and battery charge he's still employed. Oh, and did I mention his license getting suspended in 2001 for a DUI?

Good christ. If he can keep a job in politics after all that I should be just fine. It's not like I've got dead hookers in my trunk, or anything.

As far as you know.

What do you think? Should I run for mayor of L.A. in the next election? Mayor Blackmoore. I like the sound of that. Not like I could do much worse than Mayor Shiny Teeth. And hey, that psycho Moore got a chunk of votes last time.

That still gives me the willies.


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Nerd Doth Speak

Ever heard of The Nerd of Noir? You should. He's a favorite round these parts. A man of powerful insight, of discerning taste.

And he says "fuck" a lot and I respect a man who speaks his mind.

Anyway, he's gone and reviewed Uncage Me over at BSCReview.

Seems he enjoyed it.
Thankfully, not only is Jen Jordan’s masterfully edited anthology chock-full of scrub-your-fucking-brain nastiness, the writing ain’t too shabby neither.
And that, my friends, is high praise indeed. The Nerd is not one to hold back. He is quick to vilify and slow to praise. If he thinks something sucks he goddamn tells you it sucks, why it sucks, how it sucks. You cross The Nerd, you fucking know it.

And this doesn't suck.

And hey, what's this?
Favorite novelists Allan Guthrie, Scott Phillips, Victor Gischler, and Christa Faust are rocking the fuck alongside short story extrordinaires like Greg Bardsley, Patrick Shawn Bagley, and Stephen Blackmoore.
See that? Right there?

I'm fucking extraordinary.

The Nerd of Noir. Listen to him. The man knows of what he speaks.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Uncage Me Uncaged

I'm hearing rumors that the Jen Jordan edited anthology Uncage Me has been released into the wild, ready to be shot, gutted and roasted for dinner. Or, and this is just an idea here, read.

And in case you're new, or have just tuned out the blatant self promotion, my story, Like That Japanese Chick What Broke Up Van Halen is in it. Guns, drugs, blowjobs and heavy metal. Can't beat that with a stick.

So far I've not seen any copies gallivanting through the underbrush, but if you do, let me know. Take a picture of yourself with a copy and send it to me. And if you're cute and naked even better.

Preferably with boobs.

And not a guy. I really can't stress that point enough.

So, now that that's cleared up, here's the list of kick ass writers.

Scott Phillips
Declan Burke
Bryon Quertermous
Steven Torres
Brian Azzarello
Gregg Hurwitz
Tim Maleeny
Nick Stone
Martyn Waites
JD Rhoades
Simon Kernick
Patrick Shawn Bagley
Victor Gischler
Greg Bardsley
JA Konrath
Stuart MacBride
Allan Guthrie
Christa Faust
Blake Crouch
Simon Wood
Talia Berliner
Maxim Jakubowski
Pearce Hansen

And an incredibly well thought out, erudite, and just plain bitchin' foreword on breaking boundaries by John Connolly

Really, what more could you ask?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Guess Which Way That Zillow Estimate's Going

Los Angeles, CA

Part of a real estate agent's job is to prepare the property they're showing for prospective buyers. Make sure the place is clean, looks nice. Maybe light some nice smelling candles before the clients arrive, turn on the air conditioning. At the very least check to make sure nobody's left a corpse on the living room floor.

A body of a man was discovered at a foreclosed home over by LAX by a real estate agent and a client.

No word on who he was, yet, or how long he's been there. Hopefully not more than a day. In this heat things get ripe fast and when you get dead anything into a carpet the smell lingers no matter how many bottles of Febreeze you dump on it.

Like the housing market wasn't depressed enough. On the plus side you can probably shave a little off the asking price.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Saturday Stuff

Ever have one of those days where you're surrounded by fucking morons who are screaming over the most inconsequential bullshit and no one will let you actually beat any of them?

Yeah, I'm having one of those right now. So this will be quick.

Things happening tomorrow:

2:30pm - Megan Abbott (BURY ME DEEP), Theresa Schwegel (LAST KNOWN ADDRESS) and Laura Caldwell (RED BLOODED MURDER) signing and discussing their books at the Mystery Bookstore in Westwood.

4:00pm - Gregg Hurwitz signs and discusses his book TRUST NO ONE also at the Mystery Bookstore.

5:30pm - Launch party for Brett Battles' latest novel, SHADOW OF BETRAYAL at, surprise!, the Mystery Bookstore.

Show up, buy books.

Now back to putting out fires lit by autistic, three-year-old monkeys.


Thursday, July 16, 2009

Check The Guys From The Circle K

Behind The Orange Curtain, CA

7-11. Where else can you load up on potato chips and cheese-stuffed hot dogs and wash it all down with a nuclear red, frozen diabetes cup. They got good stuff at 7-11. Like... well, there's... Uh...

Oh, right. Cash.

Since June 2nd, 16 7-11's have been knocked over by two guys who walk in acting like customers, pull a kitchen knife on the guy behind the counter and take off with some the loose change in the cash register.

That's got to be, what, a couple hundred bucks a pop? No wonder they've hit 16 stores. Walk out of there with a garbage bag full of nickels and dimes.

You guys want suspects? See if there's an AM/PM or a Circle K nearby. It's a convenience store turf war. Pretty soon there'll be rioting in the streets with Big Gulps and Twizzlers.

Man, I used to love that place when I was a kid. I'd steal quarters from my mom's purse and run down and buy a Slurpee, comic book and half a dozen Pixie Sticks. Jet fuel for 10-year-olds. And this really nasty purple bubble gum that makes my eyes water and teeth itch just thinking about. I don't know what the hell I was thinking.

Should have been robbing the place. That shit really was too nasty to pay for.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Every Problem Looks Like A Nail

Los Angeles, CA

There's nothing wrong with being blunt, though sometimes it can lead to beating people with your arguments. Or with a hammer.

Brian Wright, 54, was arrested on suspicion of killing one Lidval Baptist, 28, by bludgeoning him to death with a hammer. He is being held in lieu of a million dollar bail.

Now why a hammer? You'd think in L.A. there'd be a gun within arm's reach pretty much 24/7. Maybe he likes the personal touch? Over and over again?

This could spark a rash of tool killings. Like in those movies. Chainsaws. Nail guns. Garden Weasels! Quick, we have to have a poorly thought out, disastrously executed knee jerk reaction to tools!

And picking on Baptists. For shame. What's wrong with Mormons or atheists? And those Buddhists. Sure, they say they're non-violent. But I've seen those Kung-Fu movies. And I've known a Wiccan or two who could use a good bludgeoning.

Yeah, I know. That was weak. Look, I can only do so much funny at 5am. Give me a break.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Bookish News

Because I'm a slacker I'm running slow on things today. So...

First off, Brett Battles' new book, Shadow of Betrayal is out today at all fine book-selling establishments.
The meeting place was carefully chosen: an abandoned church in rural Ireland just after dark. For Jonathan Quinn—a freelance operative and professional "cleaner"—the job was only to observe. If his cleanup skills were needed, it would mean things had gone horribly wrong. But an assassin hidden in a tree assured just that. And suddenly Quinn had four dead bodies to dispose of and one astounding clue—to a mystery that is about to spin wildly out of control.
If you aren't reading the Jonathon Quinn books, one, the fuck is wrong with you? And two, you're really missing out on some great fiction.

Yes, yes, full disclosure. He's a friend of mine. But don't hold that against him. Seriously, his books are great. His taste in friends is questionable, but his books are great.

Speaking of which, he'll also be signing next (not this) Saturday, July 18th at The Mystery Bookstore at 5:30pm. I'll plug it more as the date gets closer.

And that note on the page about Stephen's Favorite? Different Stephen. Not me. Classier guy. Not the one with the shifty eyes.

On the same day (Saturday, July 18th) also at The Mystery Bookstore, there's a double feature at 2:30. Two, yes TWO kick ass writer types with those, you know, bookish... things.

Megan Abbott signs her latest, Bury Me Deep.
BURY ME DEEP is the dark, dreamy, impressionistic story of Jazz Age grass-widow Marion Seeley, who winds up alone and working in an Arizona sanitarium, and falls into some bad company. One bad move leads to another, as Marion's world turns into a spiral of doom. All of Megan Abbott's characters live in a fragile world bound by brittle rules, and once those rules break, chaos inevitably follows.
Yeah, no shit. Queenpin, The Song Is You, Die A Little. If you want a taste of her stuff, check out her story, Cheer in the noir issue of Storyglossia from last year.

Does not disappoint.

Not to be outdone, Theresa Schwegel signs her latest novel, Last Known Address.
Detective Sloane Pearson is already at a low point in her professional – and personal – life when she comes across a tough case that turns into a hunt for a serial rapist. She directs all her frustration into working the case, but she's not the only one looking for answers, or the only one who finds them. A great, moody character piece. Anyone who wants to see more of the dark side of Chicago won't be able to put it down.
Her books are wonderfully dark and you're going to want to pick this one up. Really. And buy ten copies and send them to you friends or you'll have twenty years bad luck, your cat'll die, your daughter'll start dating Mongol Bikers named Little Louie (seriously, there's more than one) and you'll never have sex again.


So buy her books.

Did I mention we were working backwards here? Well, consider it said.

Which brings us to Seth Harwood signing his novel, Jack Wakes Up at, you guessed it, The Mystery Bookstore THIS (not next) Saturday, July 11th at 2:00pm.
In the three years since Jack Palms went clean: no drugs, no drinking, no life, he's added fourteen pounds of muscle, read 83 books, and played it as straight as anyone can ask him. Now, when an old friend from L.A. calls, he hits the streets of San Francisco to help a group of Czech drug buyers make one big score, a single drug deal that he hopes will set him up for life.

But when people start turning up dead, and an old nemesis on the police force calls, Jack finds himself with just 24 hours to track down San Francisco's biggest drug supplier or face charges that will put him behind bars.

Only an Oscar-caliber performance will get him through this alive.
Lots of good stuff going on here this week and next. So don't miss any of it.

Or, you know, that whole Mongol biker sex dead cat thing.

Today Is A Good Day To Rob Somebody

Los Angeles, CA

Just not Downtown.

Thanks to a memorial of an alleged pedophile and well known circus freak, the LAPD is deploying about 3,200 officers around Staples Center today.

They only have about 9,000.

That means that a third of the police force is going to be watching the perimeter to make sure that no... illegal moonwalking takes place, spontaneous outbreaks of Thriller sing-alongs?   With any luck, they'll arrest that Phelps asshole.

If a riot of Jackson fans were to really break out, it'd be like fighting a zombie horde. Shoot for the head, and if a Boomer shows up, remember to shove him back first. You don't want that fucker puking all over you.

I'm assuming that the bulk of the force will be made up of off-duty officers and trainees, but that's still over 30% of the goddamn LAPD to keep order for the poster boy of bad plastic surgery.

And how much is that going to cost the city?  $3.8 million.  

Time and a half, baby! Woohoo! Tonight, we're goin' to Applebees.

The city is a bucketload and a half in the red and after catching shit for wanting to drop a cool mil on the Lakers parade, I'm sure there's going to be a lot of noise on the pricetag here, as well.

Oh, wait there already is.

Los Angeles City Councilman Dennis Zine called Monday on AEG to cover the full cost of the memorial, saying the company had made the decision to hold it at Staples. "I don't fault their decision," Zine said. "I'm just saying that it should be at their expense, not the taxpayers'."

Little late for that, isn't it Sparky? You know, it helps to grab the money before you hand out all the permits and make the arrangements.

Well, you'll just bill them.   I'm sure they'll be very prompt in their payments.  They are, after all rolling in dough.