Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Misplaced Anger

Torrance, CA

Guy I know made a point about lawyers whenever he got shit for being one. "When you're in jail, who are you going to call?"

When the shit hits the fan your defense attorney is your best, sometimes only friend. Sometimes he will get you off, sometimes he won't. Sometimes all he can do is make a bad situation only marginally better. Twenty years as opposed to fifty, say. Life as opposed to death.

Either way, be at least somewhat appreciative that you have a guy on your side. In other words, don't be a dick and do something stupid when the jury doesn't like the cut of your jib.

Daniel Nunez, 29, went a little apeshit when he was found guilty of murdering a friend (some friend) in Palos Verdes a couple years ago and attacked his attorney, Richard Everett. Got a taser for his trouble.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't think this is going to look so good at sentencing.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Somebody's Christmas Just Got A Lot Less Merry

Ladera Ranch, CA

All little Timmy wanted for Christmas was a teddy bear. Was that too much to ask? Simple request. Soft, cuddly, filled with pot.

Too bad Santa screwed up the postage.

Somebody sent a teddy bear stuffed with three vacuum sealed packages of marijuana from Thousand Oaks to some guy in Colorado. Must have been pretty baked, too. Because he put the return address as a toy store in Orange County. When it couldn't get to its destination guess where it went.

At least he got that address right.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

When A Battering Ram Just Won't Cut It

Gardena, CA

Use a bulldozer.

Gardena police show up yesterday morning with a warrant to arrest two guys in a house off of 168th. Surprisingly enough, they won't come out. Cue SWAT team. Cue tear gas. Cue negotiators.

The result? Bupkes.

What to do? Well, if you can't get the crooks out of the house, you can always take the house away from the crooks.

Which is what they did. With a big ol' bulldozer. Seems Gardena doesn't own one of them fancy armored battering rams, so they made do with what they had.

I love this line from the story.
The use of the bulldozer is an unusual tactic in barricade standoffs.
No shit, really? I'd like to meet the guys who it is. They sound like fun.

Personally, I think it should be. It's innovative, lighter on the budget, easily replaceable.

And a city road worker in a bulldozer's a fuckload scarier than a cop in an armored car.

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Paging Johnny Utah

Encino, CA

There's this guy robbing banks in Encino. Two so far. A U.S. Bank the day before Thanksgiving and a Santa Barbara Bank & Trust this last Wednesday. Armed, calm and wearing a Nixon mask.

Now, I'm all for someone paying homage to Patrick Swayze movies, even if they do have Keanu Reeves. But there are so many to choose from. Why pick Point Break? Seems kind of obvious, doesn't it?

What's wrong with Dirty Dancing? Or Roadhouse? Or, my personal favorite, Skate Town, U.S.A.?

I mean, it had Flip Wilson in it. And Scott Baio. Scott freakin' Baio. Chachi, man. How cool is that?

And the tagline? "The Rock and Roller Disco Movie of the Year!"

OF THE FUCKING YEAR, PEOPLE.

Best name in the whole movie? Swayze's. Ace Johnson.

Gets you hard just thinking about it, doesn't it? Yeah, I thought so.

So, Mr. Ex-President Bandit, next time you hit up a place shake it up, would you? Go in drag as Vida, or dance your way in as Johnny Castle.

After all, nobody puts Baby in a corner.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

It's The Dildo That Really Pulls The Room Together

Los Angeles, CA

Oh, those wacky heiresses. They've got reality shows, sex tapes, and now breaking and entering.

Casey Johnson, heiress to the Johnson & Johnson family fortune seems to have some trouble with boundaries. While her friend, model Jasmine Lennard, was away from her home in Hollywood, it appears that Miss Johnson took some liberties.

And underwear. Among other things.

When Lennard got back to her apartment she found it trashed. Stuff was missing. Clothing, jewelry, underwear, shoes.

Oh, and she found a used vibrator in her bed and a wet towel on her floor.

Classy.

She then later got a text message from Johnson's girlfriend who inexplicably recognized the underwear Johnson was wearing as Lennard's.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. I'm thinking it, too. Please give me a moment.

Anyway, so she gets this text message telling her Johnson's got her stuff, so Lennard rats on her to the cops who go out and arrest her.

But the best part? The quotes.
"She breaks into my Hollywood apartment, masturbates in my bed, has a shower in my bathroom, takes every thing in my apartment."
Now that's a reality show I'd watch.