Saturday, January 30, 2010

Unskilled Labor

Monrovia, CA

Bank robbers are beginning to take a play from the banks themselves. If you want to do something quick and cheap, outsource. Just don't be surprised when things don't quite work out.

A 24-year-old mentally disabled man was picked up at a day laborer site for what he thought was a painting job that instead turned out to be a bank job. He walked into the lobby of the Citizens Business Bank in Monrovia, slid a note under the door saying that a remote bomb would go off.

Unsurprisingly the police arrived. Five hour stand-off. SWAT team and everything. When the guy finally comes out he says he's just been waiting for the money they said they were going to give him, but that he was tired and hungry.

Presumably, he wanted his blankie.

He was released to his parents after they showed up and the cops realized what was really going on.

No word yet on the woman who picked him up for the job, but I'd be looking for any unemployed middle manager types into globalization. Just a hunch.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Retirement Is For Pussies

San Diego, CA

They call him The Geezer Bandit. Because, well, he's a geezer.

This old guy walks into a bank, hands a note, flashes a piece, walks off with the cash. He's done it six times in the San Diego area.

Six. And they haven't caught him. Boy moves fast. I think the word we're looking for here is "spry".

This is how we're all going to spend our golden years. Social Security and our 401K's are gonna mean fuck all in 2050 and, well, boy's gotta eat.

Good luck Geezer Bandit. I hope when they get you you don't pussy out and go quietly. You sir, deserve a hail of bullets in a desert motel surrounded by geriatric floozies smoking cheap cigarettes.

The way a man's supposed to die.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

It's What's On The Outside That Matters

Century City, CA

I know Tiffany's for three things.  Audrey Hepburn, random silver tchotchkes, and those little blue bags that so many women seem to go batshit over.  Seriously.  What's with the bags?  

Carry the goddamn things around like they're badges of honor.  Doesn't have to be anything in them, either.  Pack your lunch in one.  The point is that you'll be the envy of all the other desperate brides going for a powder blue wedding.

Which makes me think these guys kind of missed the point.

Three armed men robbed the Tiffany & Company store over in the Century City mall.  Smashed display cases, grabbed jewelry, snagged some cash.

But did they take the bags?  That's what you really want.  Sell those things on the black market and you'll make a killing.  

Fuck the diamond stick pins and silver heart-shaped keychains.  It's the bags, people.  

The bags.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Edgars

The Edgar nominees have been announced.

Congratulations to all of the nominees.  You done good.

Three in particular I'm betting on.  

Charlie Huston has been nominated for Best Novel for The Mystic Arts of Erasing All Signs of Death.  

Sophie Littlefield is up for Best First Novel By An American Author for A Bad Day For Sorry.  

And for Best Paperback Original, Megan Abbott's Bury Me Deep.  

Of course, it's not like anybody listens to me on these things, but I'm hoping just the same.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Doing It Right / Doing It Wrong

The Southland & OC, CA

Theft is rarely a good idea, especially when what you're trying to steal is alcohol. Seriously, there are so many better things to steal than booze.

But if you simply have to get it there is a right way and wrong way to do it.

RIGHT: Two guys enter a liquor store. One chats up the guy behind the counter while the second starts grabbing bottles of high-end booze and stuffing them into his jacket

They've hit 10 stores throughout the South Bay so far. Cops have a good shot of them on surveillance and they're looking for them, but like I said they've hit 10 stores and nobody's popped them, yet.

WRONG: Breaking into the garage of an FBI agent looking for beer then getting shot at by said FBI agent and finally caught the next morning.

Jeffrey Michael Drach, 20 and Justin Wesley Case, 21, were caught in November for the crime and just got sentenced to two years.

Poor bastards. They didn't even get any beer.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Resolutions

Watts, CA

Happy new year, everybody.

Got all your resolutions written down and ready to go? Lose weight, quit smoking. How about this one?

No murder suicides this year.

Dammit.

Jose Torres, and his wife, Paula, both 44 were found dead in their home in Watts around 1pm New Year's Day by their daughter. Seems Jose shot Paula and then himself.

First killing of the year and it's a twofer. Great.

Couldn't have given it a day? Maybe two?