Thursday, February 25, 2010

If A Body Burn A Body Comin' Through The Rye

Redlands, CA

Body disposal's a tough call. Usually, the point is to, you know, hide it. A body that can't be found is, well, a body that can't be found. Sure, dead men tell no tales but forensic pathologists sure as hell do.

So, what do you do? Bury it? Run it through a woodchipper? Stick it in an open field in an area prone to brush fires and set it alight so the fire department comes running to put it out and then calls the cops when they realize what they've got on their hands?

Unidentified white male. Found just north of the 10 near Wabash in Redlands. Lots of open space out there. Visible from the freeway. No one's ever gonna spot that one.

Yeah. Good call, Sparky.

Monday, February 15, 2010

How Far Is It To Babylon?

About 8 hours.

At least that's how long it takes to get around to Stateline, NV where a man with a gunshot to his leg wandered into a casino yesterday morning "acting suspiciously", which I assume means limping and leaving a trail of blood behind him. He ran when casino security questioned him, eventually crashing the car he was driving.

Turns out the car was registered to somebody in Westminster. Nevada called the cops out in California around 1:30 in the afternoon and when Westminster PD got there about half an hour later they found a dead woman and an injured man. Guy's in the hospital listed in grave condition.

This one has it all. Gunfire, murder, maybe a love triangle. Slowly bleeding out as the killer makes his flight across the desert. Nothing but the static of dead radio and the metronome of yellow lines passing by in his headlights. Alone with his thoughts, his brain eating itself like a salted slug.

Man, if it weren't real life, that'd be a damn fine read.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Criminal Tip #56,782 - They've Got These Things Called Snipers

West Covina, CA

I can't think of a single hostage situation that has ever worked out well. You grab somebody, put a gun to their head and then... what? The minute you give up the hostage you're screwed. The minute you shoot the hostage you're screwed.

It's a waiting game. Eventually, you're going to lose.

Which is exactly what happened when a SWAT sharpshooter took out a suspect holding a gun to a hostage's head in a West Covina home this morning.

See, here's a secret. When you're standing there with somebody in front of you and a gun to their head there's probably, oh, a good three or four square feet of you exposed, all told. Head, chest, arm. That kind of thing.

The bullets they use are either, what, 5.56 or 7.62mm in diameter?

Three to four feet. 7.62mm. To somebody who knows how to shoot that's a really fucking big target. Like tossing bricks into the Grand Canyon big.

So, stop with the hostage shit. It's just going to ruin everybody's day.

Particularly yours.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Oh, To See The Look On His Face

City of Commerce, CA

Location, location, location. Applies in real estate, advertising, vandalism. Pick the right place and you're golden.

Pick the wrong one and, well, not so much.

Joshua Vasquez, 22, went to tag the glass door of a City of Commerce meeting room. Special door. He couldn't see in, but those inside could see out.

The folks inside? Nobody special.

Just a hundred or so LAPD and LA County Sheriff's Deputies in a training class.

Kid opens the door to tag the inside and sees about 40 cops coming at him.

He didn't get very far.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Jail Time For Dinnertime

Fullerton, CA

The mark of a good thief isn't in not getting caught.  It's in not getting nailed for most of the shit you've pulled.

Take Paul Layton Keesling, 50, who was convicted of burgling a house in Newport Beach in 2007.  Seems he left some skin cells on a doorknob.  He's got some priors that might get him 40 to life.

Now, he's only been convicted on the one burglary, but the cops think there are more.  

Lots more.  

They think he's the guy they called the Dinnertime Bandit, who'd hit houses between 5pm and 11pm for years walking off with jewelry, guns, cash, you name it.  They're also thinking he'd been hitting houses for more than 20 years from Santa Barbara to San Diego.

Will they prove it?  Well, they're not trying to this time, so who knows.

Personally, I've got a soft spot for good thieves.  Doesn't mean I won't kneecap 'em if they rip me off, but at least I'll respect them while I'm doing it.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

That's Why We Got Ten Of 'Em

Los Angeles, CA

Last month Daryl Barnett was convicted of felony battery of a police officer.  That means he walloped on a cop.  Which, in this town, has traditionally been met with returning said wallop by said police officer.  Multiple times.  With truncheons, fists, tasers, large rocks, what have you.  Said walloping is usually followed by a lengthy jail sentence.

Instead, last Thursday he walked with three months probation.  Walkin' tall.  Outta jail.  Having a grand old time strutting around not eating prison loaf and pissing in a stainless steel toilet.

Which means that last Saturday night he's in a position to attack three people and remove one of their fingers.

I know you're asking the obvious question.  Why was he out on probation after being convicted of felony battery of a police officer?  But that one's easy.  I can think 218 million reasons.

But what I really want to know is how did he get the guy's finger off?  Did he pull it?  Bite it?  Use bolt-cutters?  Fingers aren't exactly detachable.  They don't just pop off.  

And what happened to it?  Did he swallow it?

Yeah, I know, I’m disturbed.  We’ve been over this before.

But I bet you want to know, too.

Friday, February 05, 2010

Grand Theft Auto For The New Millennium

On the plus side it means fewer broken windows.

Maybe.

Taking Neighborhood Watch A Little Far?

Los Angeles, CA

Brian David Cochran, 63, lives in a pretty decent neighborhood in Mar Vista.  Nice houses, seems quiet.  Nearby crime in the last week has been fairly low.  Couple aggravated assaults, burglary or two, some grand theft autos.  Nothing huge.

Why isn't there more crime around there?  Tell, you what I think.  I think it's because Mr. Cochran has a fuckload of guns.

He was arrested Thursday morning after a search warrant turned up over a hundred firearms, including more than 20 machine guns and some explosives.  Got the bomb squad out and everything.  He's been released on $45K bail.  Sans guns, presumably.

I like to think it's like elephant repellant.  What, you say?  There are no elephants in Mar Vista?  Well, that's because it works.

Okay, fine.  Yeah, he's probably a menace.  

Or a lot of fun at parties.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Badges? We Don't Need No Stinking Badges.

Cypress, CA

Important safety tip: When a guy in regular clothes tells you he's a cop and starts fondling your junk as part of a "pat-down", think about getting some ID first.

A 17-year-old boy was pulled over in Cypress by a man who identified himself as an off-duty cop. Got the kid out of the car and started in with the "inappropriate touching" as those management courses in sexual harassment keep telling me.

The suspect is white, about 5'11", skinny with graying brown hair. Drives a red Dodge extra-cab pickup.