Monday, May 31, 2010

Look For The Guy Who Smells of Two Buck Chuck

Eagle Rock, CA

Anything can be a weapon. Kitchen knives, angry beaver, a bottle of discount red

Couple guys knocked over the Trader Joe's in Eagle Rock. One of them pointed a gun at a woman and her boyfriend whacked him over the head with a wine bottle.

Excellent plan. Well done, sir. Flawlessly executed.

Except for that little detail of the other gunman. Who has a gun. Hence the name.

Fortunately, the boyfriend only took it in the leg, which had to sting something fierce. He's in the hospital in stable condition and they figure it won't kill him.

Now this is going to go one of two ways. The bad way, which is that the girlfriend is a shrieking bitch who will harangue you about doing something so outrageously stupid as to take on an armed man with a bottle of Charles Shaw, or the good way.

Blowjobs for life for taking a bullet for the little lady.

Godspeed, good sir. You did the noble thing. May this lead to your wick being forever moistened.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Method Acting

Costa Mesa, CA

Last Saturday the body of Juri Kibuishi, 23, was found in the apartment of Samuel E. Herr, an Army veteran, in Costa Mesa by Mr. Herr's father. She was found hanging off the bed, partly clothed with a bullet in her head. Sam was nowhere to be found. Her phone showed that he had texted her the night before and she had come to the apartment.

The police, as police are wont to do, looked at the simple explanation, which was that Herr raped and killed her and then skedaddled for parts unknown.

Thing is, decades of PI novels to the contrary, the police aren't stupid.

On Friday, Herr's downstairs neighbor Daniel Wozniak, was picked up for murdering Herr and Kibuishi. He shot Herr at a theatre on the National Guard base in Los Alamitos, dismembered him, hid some pieces in the theater and dumped the rest at El Dorado Park in Long Beach. Then he texted Kibuishi from Herr's phone, killed her when she came over to the apartment and made it look like Herr did it.

Clever. NO ONE will see through that.

Wozniak is an actor. I'm going to assume not a very good one. Not only was he doing community theater, which is like being thrust deep into Satan's puckered asshole, but he got caught.

He was having some problems, which, of course he would. He's an actor. Can't trust actors. John Wilkes Booth was an actor. Q.E.D.

I just stuck that on the end there to sound smart. Didn't work, did it?

Anyway, Wozniak was about to be evicted from his apartment, owed a bunch of people money, and was getting married later that week in a park in Long Beach.

Then he got caught making ATM withdrawals from Herr's account.

The break in th case came when police found Herr's head.

I wonder where he stuck the pieces. They've got these really big half-dumpster sized trashcans down at El Dorado. About four feet tall and four wide. Last time I was down there (kid's birthday party - it's own special kind of hell) I spent a good hour or so talking to a mortician about how many bodies we could stuff into them. About a dozen is what we came up with.

Corpses don't mind if you fold them funny.

And what park was Wozniak getting married at? Was it El Dorado? Please say it was El Dorado. There aren't that many parks in Long Beach to do that sort of thing. Man, that would take some balls.

"No, honey, I'm not tense about the wedding. Just wondering if that severed head I stuffed in the bushes over there is going to roll out and scare the guests."

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Why, Yes. Yes, You Did.

Los Angeles, CA

It's always good when somebody recognizes their mistakes. It's how we learn. Some things, though, really are kind of fucking obvious.

Like shooting a cop.

Back in 2008 L.A. County Sheriff's Deputy Juan Escalante was shot five times in the head and body with a .40 as he was heading off to his job at the Men's Central Jail downtown.

Jose "Snapper" Renteria and Arnoldo Pineda, associated with the Avenues gang Drew Street clique, are in the midst of a prelim hearing. Two others, Guillermo "Pee Wee" Hernandez and Carlos "Stoney" Velasquez are cooling their heels awaiting theirs in the fall. A fifth, Armando "Chivo" Albarran is still on the run.

As an aside, I love gang names. Snapper, Stoney, Chivo, Pee Wee. They're just so fucking ridiculous. Like Flounder in Animal House.

Knew a Navy pilot a while back who flew F-18's. Fucking insane. Got his call sign when he was out training over the desert and accidentally took out a herd of horses with a Sidewinder.

After that everybody called him Alpo.

Anyway, Greg Mondragon, 15, who was in custody on a parole violation, testified yesterday that the alleged shooter, Velasquez told him when he heard on the news about the Deputy's death, "I fucked up."

Yeah, no shit.

Jesus fucking Christ, people. There's some shit you can't take back. Pulling a trigger's one of them.

I love this part.
Pineda, who sat quietly next to Renteria and his attorney, admitted he was the driver to police officers but claimed that Velasquez pulled a gun on him and forced him to drive him and his pals around Cypress Park on their hunt for rival gangsters.
Honor among thieves, baby. When the shit hits the fan they all eat each other.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Yes, You Too Can Fly

Los Angeles, CA

Who knew those Crown Vics were so aerodynamic?

An LAPD squad car was responding to a call for backup in South L.A. today when a car cut in front of it. They swerved and, somehow, caught air, landing on a Sentra in a strip mall parking lot.

Next time, let's hope for more Bullitt and less Freebie And The Bean.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Now That Is A Damn Fine Cover

If you haven't picked up your copy of the Spring issue of Needle, go here now. Mr. Weddle and crew have put together one fine looking mag with some breathtaking fiction.

And it looks like they'll do it again with the Summer issue. Some fucking good writers. Except for that one guy with the long name near the bottom there. Talentless hack.

Nice, innit?

Hat's off to you, Mr. Hornor, for another stunning design.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

That's Gonna Make For A Pretty Nice Lawn

San Diego, CA

Oh, Geezer Bandit, when are you going to stopping showing up us young folks? We get it. You're better than we are. You're one step ahead of the Man. You're nimble, you're quick. You're like the wind. You're, dare I say it? spry.

The Geezer Bandit, so named for knocking over banks and being, you know, on the older side, is at it again. Today was number nine.

Number nine. This fucker has stolen money from NINE banks. And nobody's caught him.

He's at an age where some people need walkers, adult diapers, pants that go up to their chests. I'd say he probably doesn't saunter out of the bank so much as shuffle.

Guard probably holds the door open for him, tips his hat, says have a nice day. Sir.

I'd be really bummed if it turns out this is some younger guy in really good old man makeup. Impressed, sure, but not as impressed as I am at nine banks getting robbed by Uncle Fester there.

Oh, please, Geezer Bandit. Be real. Be the criminal legend of whom songs are sung, like Robin Hood, Jesús Malverde, Yogi Bear.

But beware, Geezer Bandit. Eventually, the man's gonna get ya.

Just like Butch and Sundance.

Monday, May 10, 2010

This Is Why You Can't Find Parking

Los Angeles, CA

Let me go on record here and say I hate The Grove. It's obnoxious, full of tourists and makes it nearly impossible to find a parking space for the far more interesting Farmer's Market right next door.

You know who's taking up those parking spots?

Dead guys.

Seems workers found a man dead in his truck in the Grove parking structure. Body's been sitting there for a couple of days.

Cops are thinking drug overdose. Me, I think he just killed himself at the prospect of having to drive down that winding ramp with all the other asshats to get down to Fairfax.

Friday, May 07, 2010

"There Was A Little Bit of A Gunfight"

Los Angeles, CA

I've always thought of gunfights as a binary.  You either have one or you don't.  It's like being a little bit dead, kind of pregnant.  

But when your days are filled with AK toting psychos, murders at burger joints and prison riots, I suppose you can be forgiven for the occasional undestatement.  

Hood Day.  Sort of like gangbanger Christmas, I guess.  Match the gang's neighborhood with a date and, voila! Hood Day.  Least that's how I understand it.  Party central.  Fireworks and everything.  Or at least gunfire.  

So some guys from Blood Stone Villains and Compton Piru rent this Hummer limo and head down to Dockweiler yesterday to celebrate.  Nice Spring day down at the beach.  People want to be outside.  Have a good time.

Great plan until you run into folks who don't like you.
"There was a little bit of a gunfight," said Sgt. Ron Pickering of the LAPD's Pacific Division. "People scattered and the limo driver took off."
The limo took some gunfire.  Nailed a guy and dragged him down the street.  Somebody else got hit in the chest.

Messy day, that's for sure.  But the guy I feel sorry for?  The one who owns the limo.  Make you rethink that whole 'renting out to guys with guns' thing.  Hope he's covered for bulletholes.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Nobody Wins

Hawaiian Gardens, CA

Custody disputes. Ugly, ugly things. Especially when one party is a psychopath with an AK.

Seems Joseph Mercado, 26, and his girlfriend, whose name hasn't been released, yet, were fighting over who got their kid. Being a clearly mature, calm and sedate individual, Mercado went to her house with an AK-47 and a can of gasoline.

He shot 5 people, killing the girl and her 14-year-old brother, and poured the gas on the outside of the house. Looks like he lit it, too, but it didn't take.

A nearby Sheriff's Deputy heard the shots, caught Mercado at the house, and took him down. Mercado's been booked at the Lakewood Sheriff's station.

Clearly not a man for strategic thinking. If he'd gotten a lawyer for the custody dispute he wouldn't need one for the murder rap.

Enjoy the next couple of years in County before you get your hearing, Joe. And then the next 30 in San Quentin doing yuor appeals.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Criminal Tip #87,299: You Are Not Aquaman

Santa Monica, CA

One of the last things you should try in this town is get into a car chase with the police. They have more cars than you. They have helicopters, radios, guns. They know the streets better than you do. They can block the freeway offramps. There's nowhere to go.

Well, except the ocean.

A car chase that began last night in West L.A., looped up through Beverly Hills, and ran through Santa Monica finally ended this morning at the Santa Monica pier, where the driver got out of his car, jumped down to the sand, ran into the water.

And stood there.

Guess he can't swim. Or call the creatures of the sea to come to his aid.

Cops talked him out eventually. Easier than taking potshots at him from the beach, I suppose, though probably not nearly as fun.