Saturday, December 18, 2010

Mister Tanner's Wild Ride

Santa Clarita, CA

Aaron Clay Tanner has problems with impulse control.

This is evidenced by the multiple stab wounds his mother suffered from him while in his car on the 14 Freeway near Mission Hills yesterday afternoon. And by the fact that he then threw her out onto the busy road.

After which he crashed into a car at the bottom of the Newhall Avenue offramp, attacking a woman and carjacking her PT Cruiser.

With her 4-year-old son inside.

The PT Cruiser was found by a Deputy a few miles down the road, where Tanner had rear-ended yet another vehicle and then backed into a tree. While the Deputy went to help the child in the car, Tanner ran around and stole another car.

The Deputy's car.

He crashed that, too. Rolled it even. Down a hill.

Where it caught fire.

Then, because you know this fun train just ain't stoppin', the locks holding the squad car's shotgun in place came loose.


On the plus side Deputies got to him before he got to the shotgun. Hauled him out of the car.

So he bit them.

In return they Tasered him. A lot.

By my count that's five crashed cars, four stab wounds, three injured victims, two traumatized mothers and one batshit crazy fucker in lockup.

Only seven days left of Christmas to fill up and we could have had a song.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Hail To The Chief

Anaheim Hills, CA,

Paul Lawrence Wadley, 56, is a fugitive. This in and of itself is nothing special. After all, we have a lot of fugitives.

Not many of them, however, are retired police chiefs wanted for leaving pictures of their junk on women's windshields.

Last month a woman reported finding photos of some guy's schlong strewn about a running trail off Oak Canyon Road. Then on Thanksgiving a man walked by her while she was running, exposed himself and then continued on with his pants down to his knees.

On November 29th, three women at a park in Anaheim Hills came back to their cars to find similar photos on their cars.

The police, as they are wont to do, looked into the matter, examined the photos, found a fingerprint and got a hit.

Just not one they were expecting.

That, a description of the man, and evidence (I really don't want to know what kind) found in a search of his home have pointed to the 30-year police veteran.

Anaheim police have issued a warrant for Mr. Wadley's arrest.

Is he still called Chief? Like Mr. President is always Mr. President? Does that apply to everything? I really don't want to be known as Mr. Guy Who Got The Crap Beaten Out Of Him In 8th Grade Because He Decided To Do Something Stupid And Take A Swing At Somebody He Probably Shouldn't Have.

And that'd be the least embarrassing of my titles.

Anyway, Chief Wadley is out of the country. If he isn't reading up on his local news he might be in for an unpleasant surprise when he comes back from wherever he is. I'm betting sex tour of Bangkok. It's all the rage with the sex offenders, I hear.

And then there's this.

On Friday a brawl at a Christmas party in Montebello for employees of the Men's Central Jail left seven L.A. County Sheriff's Deputies relieved of duty.

Two people were injured. No shots were fired, but there is speculation that at least some of them were armed at the time. And drinking.

Overall, this week is shaping up to be not so great for law enforcement PR.

Taking bets on what happens next. Because you know these things always happen in threes.

Cops found to be using their badges and authority to rob drug dealers? O.C. Sheriff found taking kickbacks for concealed carry licenses?

Hang on. No, those already happened. Never mind.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

The "Oops" Factor

Beverly Hills, CA

Last week, Harold Smith, the suspect in the Ronni Chasen murder, shot himself as police were coming to question him. Upon checking the gun BHPD declared it was not the one that was used to kill her.

Then they handed it over to the L.A. Sheriff's Department for further ballistics testing and ta-da! they declared that it WAS the gun used to kill her.

This is what's great about television forensics. They never screw up.

Unless it's for dramatic effect and the wrong man goes to jail and the real killer is still on the loose and has gotten close to the protagonist, a spunky, young NYPD detective who's fought her way to the top with her tough as nails attitude and tough as nails nails that never chip, even though she never lets anyone into her secret heart of hearts and now that this murderer destroys her trust and tries to kill her she will NEVER LOVE AGAIN.

All because somebody jacked up the ballistics report.

Good one, nameless forensics CSI tech. You've just shattered a young woman's heart when she was just getting over the cancer death of her first love who she was going to marry and live out her dreams as a painter of landscapes at her family's farm in Connecticut and have five children and grow old together, you cold, ruthless, incompetent BASTARD.

Oh, well. There go my dreams of an Altmanesque Hollywood conspiracy. Where's Johnny Stompanato when you need him?

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

After All, Isn't That What Maids Are For?

Los Angeles, CA

When I stay at a hotel I really like to make sure I don't leave too much of a mess to clean up afterward, that the hookers, llamas and midget strippers have all been safely ushered out, some of the more egregious stains on the carpet have at least been soaked with club soda and the occasional head sized holes in the drywall have been covered over with blankets.

And I never, ever leave a dismembered body in the room.

On November 29th, the body of Herbert Tracy White, 49, of Hollywood was found by a maid in a room of the Continental Hotel stuffed into a backpack under the bed.

No, sorry. Part of him was in the backpack. The rest of him was under the bed.

Police are liking Edward Garcia Jr., 36, and his wife, Melissa Hope Garcia, 25 of Pennsylvania for the killing. The current theory is that it's a robbery gone wrong and the couple were in the process of getting rid of the body when they, what, just gave up? Got partway through and went, "Fuck it. I'm tired"?

People really need to work on their follow-through.

Saturday, December 04, 2010

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

Beverly Hills, CA

When your prime suspect in a murder case pops himself as you're knocking down the door, it might be a happy day. Guy did us all a favor. Saved us some cash, didn't add to an already overcrowded prison system.

Until you find out the guns don't match.

Harold Smith, the main suspect in last month's murder of Hollywwod publicist Ronni Chasen on a Bevery Hills street, shot himself in the lobby of his apartment building as police were coming to question him. Got a tip that he'd been bragging about killing her and was waiting for the $10K he was promised for the hit.

In a case with no leads you go with what you got.

Anyway, on checking his gun against the bullets from the Chasen murder, turns out they don't match.

Well, shit.

The simple answer is, of course, that he ditched the murder weapon. But if he ditched it, where is it? And if they don't have a murder weapon to tie to him, they can't conclusively say, "Yup, he's da one what done it."

I imagine they are less than thrilled by this.

TMZ has gotten a copy of the will, which leaves the bulk of her $6.1 million estate to her niece Melissa Cohen and very clearly snubs another niece, Jill Cohen Gatsby.
"I have intentionally and with full knowledge of the consequences omitted to provide for my niece, Jill Cohen, also known as Jill Gatsby, except for the gift of $10."

Ain't Hollywood grand? By the time this thing is over it's gonna look like deleted scenes from The Player.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

A Dangerous Occupation

Los Angeles, CA

Lot of jobs out there can get you hurt. Police, fire... crossing guard?

Yep. Shirley Mayberry, a 59-year-old crossing guard runs the busy Firestone Boulevard crossing outside Russell Elementary School. When a black Ford Expedition (how cliche can you get?) made a turn from Hopper she did what she's supposed to do. Raised her sign and told the driver to stop.

The driver, Jose Hernandez, 27, wasn't keen on that idea. In fact yelled at her that he wouldn't stop. Seems he did, anyway, because his passenger, Vanessa Del Pilar Martinez, 20, got out of the car and punched Mrs. Mayberry (Mayberry for chrissakes! Sheriff Andy's gonna be pissed) knocking her to the ground and stealing her whistle and stop sign.

Both Hernandez and Martinez were arrested on robbery charges shortly thereafter and are being held on $50K bail a pop.

See, now this wouldn't happen if we just armed the crossing guards. Nobody's gonna fuck with Mrs. Mayberry if she's swinging around a Ruger Blackhawk in a nice, fat .44.

Enough with the whistle and stop sign shit. Give her a Remington 870 pump with Brenneke slugs. Couple of those in your engine block and damn right you're stopping, motherfucker.

Absurd levels of violence. Is there nothing it can't do?