Friday, September 23, 2011

Noir At The Bar L.A. #2: Electric Boogaloo

Hey, kids, guess what!


You're supposed to say, "What?!" all excited like. And then the music starts. And then we all start fighting. Like in The Last Dragon, or Gymkata. Or am I thinking Footloose?

Anyway, I'll wait.

That's better. Except you. In the back. Jesus, what's your problem?

The Three Stooges Re-enactment Team of Eric Beetner, MysteryDawg and I are bringing you Noir At The Bar in L.A. again. Okay, technically it's Culver City, but really, who can tell the difference these days?

That's right, a SEQUEL! We're talking Wrath of Khan, here, not Crystal fucking Skull.

October 9th, baby. 8:00pm to 11:00pm at The Mandrake Bar on La Cienega.

We got a lineup of some fantastic writers. We got Matt Funk, Pamila Payne, Jimmy Callaway, and *drum roll*

Christa Faust!!1!!

Ms Faust's new noir masterpiece CHOKE HOLD, the follow-up to MONEY SHOT comes out that week.

Angel Dare went into Witness Protection to escape her past—not as a porn star, but as a killer who took down the sex slavery ring that destroyed her life. But sometimes the past just won’t stay buried. When a former co-star is murdered, it’s up to Angel to get his son, a hotheaded MMA fighter, safely through the unforgiving Arizona desert, shady Mexican bordertowns, and the seductive neon mirage of Las Vegas…
Come on down and get a chance to see her! Live! In Person! Wearing Fabulous Shoes!

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So come on by. There's no cover, but it's a bar so be a dear and buy some expensive booze.

See y'all on the 9th.

Monday, September 19, 2011

All Good Things Come With Waffles

Van Nuys, CA

You know what breakfast tastes like? It tastes like freedom.

Ernesto Servellon, 32, a man who it would appear has trouble letting go, kidnapped his ex-girlfriend Sunday at knifepoint, took her to his apartment where he tied her up and assaulted her.

Then he took her to breakfast.

Hey, nothing says "Let's get back together after a kidnapping and beating," like an IHOP stack o' Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity.

Her response was something along the lines of "Here's a SWAT team for your trouble, kthxbai."

She got away and called the cops who went after Ernesto like a dog looking for just the right place to take a dump. Six hours and one stand-off later, boy's in the pokey on $1 million bail.

Jesus, Ernie, you couldn't think of something better? What happened to standing out on the front lawn with a boombox playing Peter Gabriel? Oh, right, you're a psychotic jackass who thinks it's okay to swing a knife around like it's a dick extension.

Have fun in prison. I hear they serve pancakes.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Killer Bunny

Los Angeles, CA

You ever wonder what happens to all those Playboy models when their issue is up? I mean, they show up for one airbrushed, breast contorting layout in June, or August or whatever and then... what? Do they go onto fabulous lives of super-sexy spy adventures? Jet across the world and help with world peace?

Or do they just get really lit and shoot their husbands forty years later?

Last October, Victoria Rathgeb, 66, who was once known as Angela Dorian, Miss May 1968, shot her husband Bruce in the back. She freely admits they were completely wasted at the time on meth and alcohol.

Guess those speed laced Appletinis'll get to ya.

Anyway, she pled no contest to attempted voluntary manslaughter, so Judge Barbara Johnson dismissed the attempted murder charge. Rathgeb's still getting 9 years in the hoosegow and has to pay $70K to the state victim restitution fund, but it could be worse.

So remember kids, don't pose in Playboy. They're exploitative, promote unrealistic body images and turn you into a cyborg killing machine.

What, you think she shot him because he was being an asshole and probably deserved it? Pfft. Like that happens.

Friday, September 02, 2011

Pretty Sure The Answer Is "Not In Africa"

San Juan Capistrano, CA

Last June Christopher Ryan Smith went on a trip to Africa. Hung out in Johannesburg, went up to the Congo, headed out to Rwanda. Seems he had a great time, too. Paragliding, sand-boarding in some South African mines. Vacation fun, baby!

Too bad he was dead at the time.

Seems Smith was actually murdered last June in his office by his business partner Edward Younghoon Shin, who was picked up for and confessed to the murder earlier this week. He sent messages through Smith's email address to his family talking about his sudden trip to the Congo.

And then he stopped. Probably figured people would assume the guy'd been eaten by a lion, shot by a rebel, shacked up with some Nigerian general's widow who needed help getting her cash out of a bank in Sweden.

Whatever. It didn't work. Took them a few months but they finally figured it out.

Now that Shin's confessed to the killing there's only one question. Where's Smith's body?

Shin's not telling. If he thinks hanging onto that information as a bargaining chip is going to get him leniency from the court, I think he's going to be disappointed.

After all, if the cops can figure out where Smith isn't, I'm willing to bet they'll figure out where he is. And they won't have to book an international flight to do it.