Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Don't Order The Soup

Lomita, CA

Dawn Viens, the wife of Thyme Contemporary Cafe owner David Viens, went missing last year.

When David discovered that he was a suspect in her murder he tried to kill himself by throwing himself off a cliff in Palos Verdes, but survived.

Cops dug up the restaurant, went through the house. Couldn't find the body.

And now we have a pretty good idea why.

Prosecution has a recorded confession that popped up in court the other day of Mister Viens saying that not only did he kill her (he says it was an accident), but he got rid of the body by boiling it for four days until the meat just sort of floated off the bones. He mixed it with restaurant waste, tossed it down the grease pit and scattered the rest around town. The only piece he said he kept was her skull, which is supposedly in his mother's attic, but the cops haven't found it.

Wow. That's really fucked up. I mean, four days? Was the restaurant open at the time? Did people actually eat there while the body boiling was going on? I'm assuming the restaurant was a one man operation because I can't imagine you'd be able to hide that from your employees. God forbid they think it's the day's special and...

Ya know, I'm not even gonna finish that thought.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

His Lazy Eye Brings All The Girls To The Yard

Los Angeles, CA

L.A. has a lot of faults, chief among them the myth that the city can make you a star. That somehow the glam and glitter of days gone by will rub off on you and leave you transformed. Men and women, boys and girls come from all over to hopefully get a chance to make it big. More often than not they're left battered and broken on the Walk of Fame.

It's easy to chalk it up to naivete, and for some of them yes, that's exactly the problem. But for others it's a burning desire to be famous, to be important. In short to be validated. And really, isn't that what we're all looking for? Validation?

It doesn't help that when you have an army of ready-made victims stepping off the Greyhound from Kansas every twenty minutes that you inevitably have the predators who want to feed off a piece of their souls.

Like Anthony Augustus Jefferson, or DJ Tone, who is wanted by the San Bernardino Police Department for sexual battery by false pretenses, false impersonation, indecent exposure, and theft.

He's allegedly been hitting up models and actresses claiming to be a talent agent in tight with rappers who have likely never heard of him and getting them to pay "business expenses", promising to reimburse the women and then disappearing in a cloud of cartoon dollar signs.

To make matters worse two women have filed claims that they had were fooled into having sex with him as part of "auditions". I'm willing to bet they're not the only ones.

He's a real catch.  Like a walleyed pike.
So if you know the whereabouts of Anthony, or have been the unfortunate recipient of his attentions, give Detective Rodrigues of the Bakersfield Police Department at 661-326-3870. He could use the help.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

Los Angeles, CA

Say you've just robbed a bank.  And it's not going well.

You've got cops crawling up your ass like they're looking for polyps. You've got helicopters buzzing overhead like pissed off vultures.  The news crews are tracking you on iPhone apps and your options are dropping faster than Dotcom stock options.

You know what you need?  A diversion.  Something you can toss out behind you to make things worse for the cops.  Like that chaff stuff on fighter jets.

But all you've got are these huge wads of cash...

Some guys knocked over a Bank of America this morning in Sylmar and took the cops on a merry jaunt that led them down near USC before they started chucking cash out of the car.

Didn't take the locals long to figure out what was going on, resulting in:

FREE MONEY!
That's right, the street filled up during a police pursuit with people looking to get hold of some sweet, sweet Benjamins.  Like tossing chum out for the sharks.

Didn't help the bank robbers any.  A couple who broke off on foot in Sylmar got away, but the rest got picked up by Sheriff's deputies when they, surprise, hit traffic.

You know one of the big questions in the interrogation room is going to be, "Which one of you geniuses thought this was a good idea?"

I don't think anybody's going to admit to that one.

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Kidnapping And Bank Robbery - Two Bad Tastes That Taste Terrifying Together

Los Angeles, CA

You know how in the movies somebody straps dynamite to somebody and tells them that if they don't rob a bank for them that they'll set it off?

Turns out that happens in real life, too.

Two masked men kidnapped the manager of a local Bank of America last night, strapped what they said was a bomb to her stomach and sent into an East L.A. branch with instructions to toss bags of money out the door.

Unsurprisingly, she did exactly that. I mean, what the hell is she going to do?

Once the bank robbers took off with the money the other people in the bank called the bomb squad, who promptly showed up and got rid of the device. No word yet on whether it was, in fact, a bomb.

It's happened before. Sadly, it'll probably happen again. Why? Because people are assholes.

Why can't they use, I don't know, weasels, or something? Weasels are terrifying. With their pointed teeth and Riki-Tiki-Tavi dance moves. "We're gonna strap these weasels to your nethers and unless you rob that bank we'll douse you with Drakkar Noir, which will send the weasels into a frenzy whereupon they will chew through your pants and devour your tender nibbly bits."

Yeah, that's a little too complicated, isn't it?

Man, I miss the Geezer Bandit. At least he was classy.